(no subject)

I need a hug right now.

Maybe need is too strong a word. I really really wish I had someone I could just cling to. Make that Someone with a capital S. Jesus.

I'm still grieving the loss of my friends, and probably will be for a while. Grieving...not beating myself up over things I can't go back and change, no matter how horrible.

I actually lost more than three, it seems. I've read of another who has decided against me, for whatever reason. There are more likely others.

I'm trying not to complain, but can you blame me for being hurt? I'm trying desperately to convince myself I have worth, and yet nearly everywhere I turn, I see someone or something saying I'm not.

Oh Jesus, help me! Help me believe that, because I can't! I just can't! I try, I really do...but I don't have the strength. Give me the strength to believe what You say about me.

I don't even know if I should go on. At least here. This is where I dump my emotions, my thoughts, because if I don't get it out, it stays and screams at me. I just read all about how the hypocrites of Jesus' day would pray and make their faith so public as to impress others. That is not my intention, but even now I question my intentions. Do I really know them? I thought I did. So much has happened. I'm just confused.

*sigh* Shutting up now.

"Sometimes fantasy's better than reality, Carter."

I'm about to watch A Cinderella Story for the *insert number only God knows* time. I have no idea why I've wanted to watch it so much lately. Actually, I do have ideas, I just don't know if any of them are correct.

The subject of this post is a quote from the movie. I've been dealing with the fantasy vs. reality deal, and you know what I've realized? I'm just afraid of reality. Reality for me has always been hard, because of certain issues I shouldn't speak of publicly. I guess I'm afraid, like Sam is in the movie, that reality is always going to be that way. Sometimes reality is pretty harsh, but there was this quote from the movie that Sam's dad always said: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

The step-mother kind of reminded me of my own parents. Like today, my dad was supposed to wake me up so I could go out with him to fill out some applications; he didn't. But at least he'll help me. Whenever I say anything about a job, my mom's like "oh, you wouldn't want to work there." Or the job at Waffle House she was supposed to try to help me get? They gave it to my brother.

And of course, there's the "someday my prince will come" syndrome. I don't need a man, but my gosh, do I want one to share my life with. I really hate that sometimes.

I'm going to watch the movie now.