"Who can stand in your holy place?"

Anyone who has been reading knows I've been reading Romans. Well, today, God brought to mind something in Romans 2 about teaching. I have said many things about showing mercy...but do I? Do I, who asks for mercy, show it to others? I'd like to say I do, because nothing comes to mind.

But then something did. I show myself far too little mercy. When I do something wrong, no matter how small or insignificant, it's like I crumble under the weight of it. And trust me, this thing that's happened that I've been going on about is not small or insignificant.

How do I show myself mercy? How do I forgive myself? While I know one day all this pain will be erased, both mine and my friends', and God has forgiven all wrongs, and our relationships will be restored in eternity...it just doesn't take away the pain they feel, or that I feel, right now. I would be worried if I didn't feel something. But when does it stop being healthy and become unmerited guilt?

I don't know the answer to those questions, and I don't think any of you do either. I'm almost certain I'll never really understand it logically, because matters like this aren't logical.

I need to get some sleep if I hope to be lucid enough to fill out job applications.

On an odd yet interesting note: I didn't even know I knew the word 'lucid'.

(no subject)

So I went around places today, looking for jobs.

And felt like a complete idiot.

I totally forgot about references! How do you forget something like that? It's crazy!

Anyway...that's all I want to say right now. I need a nap.

oy vey

Well, Wal-mart will not hire me. I had to take some sort of assessment, and I "did not pass", which is a nice way of saying "you suck, we don't want you". Yeah, as if I'm not freaking out already. This is not helping.

I have found myself not wanting to let go of my Bible, simply because I am so aware of my need of it at the moment. I have always been in need of it, craving it, I was just so distracted. Funny how I had to lose so much to become aware again.

I found a wonderful verse in Isaiah about God holding the hand of His people, telling them not to be afraid. I am so very afraid of everything, at least in the emotional sense. I'm not sure if there's any other sense, but I want to be brave. I'm going to do this thing, because I trust Him, even if I shake like an old washing machine while I'm doing it.

I still miss my friends, and I still pray for them. In the end, what does it really matter who did what or who was wrong about what? I have turned from my sin, and if there was indeed any wrong on their part, I hope they have turned from that as well. I have to let it go, though. I have to let God take care of it. I have to trust that, no matter what kinds of doubts enter my mind, these really are my sisters and my brother in Christ. I do believe that in my heart. It's my humanness that's the problem, the part of me that wants to judge where I have no place judging. Only God knows the hearts of people, and even people with genuine hearts are flawed. They make mistakes.

Here it is, Yeshua. Give me the strength not to take it back.