What's my mental age? Middle aged? Fabulous.

In that day you will say:
"I will praise you, O LORD.
Although you were angry with me,
your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.

Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation."

With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.

In that day you will say:
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted.

Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.

Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."

-- Isaiah 12

Today was not the day of job hunting, and neither will tomorrow. My dad has plans. As much as I'm hoping he has something important to do, I feel slightly depressed. Here's the moment I say "hey, let's make my life count for something," and nothing's happening. I feel as if the whole world is treating me as dirt and walking all over me.

Well I'm not dirt, okay?! I may have made mistakes, but who hasn't? That is not an excuse, but you would think mercy and compassion were not all that foreign to even the tainted image of God. I am learning I can't expect those things, even from my Christian brothers and sisters, because it's just been heartbreaking. I will have to let God be my source of all good things (as it should be and is). If by some miracle (and I'm starting to believe it is) someone else gives me something good, it will be overflow.

I struggle with one of those "big" sins, but just because it's "worse" than some other sin, am I somehow less deserving of mercy than anyone else? What happened to "all have sinned" (Romans 3:23) and "there is no one righteous, not even one" (Romans 3:12)? I am not better than you, you are not better than me. Jesus never looked at anyone and saw dirt or treated them as if they were dirt. He touched the "unclean" and "sinners"! Lepers, tax collectors, prostitutes! Samaritan women who have had five husbands and a live-in boyfriend! You can't get much more foregone than that last one from a Jewish point of view (from what I understand). He had mercy on people. Why don't I see that in the people who are called by a name meaning "belonging to Christ" or "little Christ"?

Am I aiming this at anyone? Yes and no. Yes, I feel mistreated, even after the things I have done. Yes, I want to get how I feel out in the open. Yes, I want those involved, if they are reading, to search themselves and consider the possibility that the enemy may have taken advantage of the situation as he did with me.

But am I angry? No. I am grateful, as I've said before, that my friends pointed out where I was lacking. Trust me, if I were angry, there would probably be swearing and who knows what else. Just ask anyone who has had the rare chance to witness my anger, namely silverlightstar and orphanage, and maybe terra_fanatic (can't remember if you've ever witnessed Angry!Liz, T). They've known me for years and can testify that anger is just not something I hold in well, nor is any other emotion for that matter.

At this point in time, I would like to thank any non-Christians who have me on their lists for tolerating me. You guys are great. I mean, you guys have all this Scripture on your pages and you're not swearing at me. ^_^

And now that I've rambled on for God knows how long...time to shut up. At least for a few hours. *snicker*

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, orphanage!

one week

My birthday is one week from today. To tell you the truth, I'm not very excited about it. I don't know how I could be. So much has happened in the past week. I'm not going to go over it again, because I'll just beat myself up and cry again. Or maybe just cry.

What to do on that day? I haven't had a real party or anything for the longest time. Just family things. As much as I love my family, I'd like some friends to hang with. Everyone is so busy around this time of year, though. I don't see how I could get some people together. Maybe one or two. Hopefully. Just someone, God. One friend.

Gah, I need to stop whining. Is that all I ever do?

I'm turning off A Cinderella Story and listening to John Piper.

"I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's starting right now..."

I saw something on TV today about how diet drinks actually make you gain weight, and are bad for bone density. Something about calcium, but I wasn't listening too closely. I don't drink those things most of the time anyway. But I have been trying to drink more milk as of late. And eat more veggies. I ate a whole bag of frozen squash today. Not while it was still frozen, of course. Note to readers: only certain veggies are edible when canned. Squash is not one of them.

Hopefully tomorrow will be the day of job-hunting. The wait is just making me nervous. Me nervous...it just isn't good. I just want to get it done and over with.

I'm sure I had something more to say, but I can't for the life of me think of what it was.