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(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2006 12:18 amYou give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be Your Name
Yeshua, thank You for my sufferings.
There's nothing else to say.
Oct. 6th, 2006
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be Your Name
Yeshua, thank You for my sufferings.
There's nothing else to say.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2006 04:00 amI can't sleep. No matter how much I try, I just can't do it. I'm trying to 'let it go' like people are telling me to do, remember that 'you are forgiven' so I can have peace enough to sleep. But there are some things forgiveness can't do. Forgiveness can't take away the pain of hurting your best friend, or the fact that he's not your best friend anymore. Forgiveness can't change the lies you've believed that got you there.
Lies. I'm tired of them, but they don't stop. Even now I hear them. "They don't care, they never did." "They didn't do this for you, they did this for them." "What made you think he'd ever love you, anyway." Well you know what? ( cut for VERY bad language )
Maybe I just sinned again, with the swearing and all, but I just wanted to be HONEST. I'm tired of LIES. I don't want to tell them anymore.
Maybe now that I've gotten that off my chest, I can finally get some sleep. Though I doubt it.
All Christ followers on my list, please pray I can forgive myself without losing the lesson I've learned.
Lies. I'm tired of them, but they don't stop. Even now I hear them. "They don't care, they never did." "They didn't do this for you, they did this for them." "What made you think he'd ever love you, anyway." Well you know what? ( cut for VERY bad language )
Maybe I just sinned again, with the swearing and all, but I just wanted to be HONEST. I'm tired of LIES. I don't want to tell them anymore.
Maybe now that I've gotten that off my chest, I can finally get some sleep. Though I doubt it.
All Christ followers on my list, please pray I can forgive myself without losing the lesson I've learned.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2006 02:11 pmFirst, I'd like to say:
IN YOUR FACE, DEVIL!
Yeah, nobody knows what that's about but me, but that's fine.
Sorry about the previous entry. I should really learn not to get on LJ when I'm upset and sleep depraved. I'm not deleting it though. That's the most real I've been with myself and other people in a long time...without going into details.
On the 'fun' side of this island (sorry, I've watched Madagascar too many times), God spoke to me a lot yesterday, and has been saying some of the same things today. It's time for me to stop living in a fantasy world of play-acting and start actually living life. So guess what? I'm going to look in the want ads on Sunday, and look for a job. A real job, and not just a one night a month job.
Speaking of which, cleaning up after hundreds of women is hard work! I can't find the Icy Hot to tend to my sore arm. Definitely deserving of seven dollars an hour! I mean...OW!
But I'll be honest: I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to mess this up like I seem to do everything else. I'm going to have to take lots of prayer breaks, but I have to believe I can do this. I have to believe I can be a functional adult in society.
Some good news, though: I can actually laugh a little at my favorite movies now. Last night, nothing was funny. There's still plenty that's not, but then, I should have listened to my former best friend when he said to run away.
God, help me.
PS -- If any of my silent friends are reading: thank you. You're doing the right thing.
IN YOUR FACE, DEVIL!
Yeah, nobody knows what that's about but me, but that's fine.
Sorry about the previous entry. I should really learn not to get on LJ when I'm upset and sleep depraved. I'm not deleting it though. That's the most real I've been with myself and other people in a long time...without going into details.
On the 'fun' side of this island (sorry, I've watched Madagascar too many times), God spoke to me a lot yesterday, and has been saying some of the same things today. It's time for me to stop living in a fantasy world of play-acting and start actually living life. So guess what? I'm going to look in the want ads on Sunday, and look for a job. A real job, and not just a one night a month job.
Speaking of which, cleaning up after hundreds of women is hard work! I can't find the Icy Hot to tend to my sore arm. Definitely deserving of seven dollars an hour! I mean...OW!
But I'll be honest: I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to mess this up like I seem to do everything else. I'm going to have to take lots of prayer breaks, but I have to believe I can do this. I have to believe I can be a functional adult in society.
Some good news, though: I can actually laugh a little at my favorite movies now. Last night, nothing was funny. There's still plenty that's not, but then, I should have listened to my former best friend when he said to run away.
God, help me.
PS -- If any of my silent friends are reading: thank you. You're doing the right thing.
I'm starting to feel at peace again. Has it really only been a little over twenty-four hours?
I've been listening to the John Piper archives on OnePlace. Eventually I think I'm going to try to find where he started in Romans, but right now, I'm listening to him talk about Romans 6, starting here. After chapters about grace, and "since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ," (Rom 5:1) and how it has nothing to do with works..."What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?" (Rom 6:1) I don't know what translation Piper uses, but his, I think, says it better than mine: "May it never be." (Rom 6:2)
Now to listen to more.
Thank you, Jesus!
I've been listening to the John Piper archives on OnePlace. Eventually I think I'm going to try to find where he started in Romans, but right now, I'm listening to him talk about Romans 6, starting here. After chapters about grace, and "since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ," (Rom 5:1) and how it has nothing to do with works..."What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?" (Rom 6:1) I don't know what translation Piper uses, but his, I think, says it better than mine: "May it never be." (Rom 6:2)
Now to listen to more.
Thank you, Jesus!
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2006 11:15 pmSometimes, God's voice sounds like a black woman's voice, at least to me. Ya know, He gets all up in my face and calls me 'girl' a whole lot? It's just this kind of...tone, one that says 'are you krazeh' and proceeds to tell me like it is.
What He's said in the past few hours has a lot to do with something He called me a few years ago that I apparently still don't believe, and it's going to sound completely ridiculous, but who cares anymore. He called me His 'warrior princess'. This totally blew me away, because I used to be a HUGE fan of the Xena series. I look at Xena as this strong, unwavering woman who doesn't back down for anyone. And I think "I could never be like that!"
Well...I can be. Maybe not every waking second, but I can. These past couple of days have proven as much. I can say 'no' to temptation, and with conviction...and when I do it, I'm surprised at myself, because I almost feel like growling and physically fighting.
I thought about doing something, and though I haven't decided yet, I'm going to put it out there. When Israel marched around the walls of Jericho, doing exactly what God asked them to do, He brought the walls crashing down for them. I thought, since the local mall opens early mornings for walkers, I might go out there and walk around that mall seven times. It would be a good way to focus, and to get some much needed exercise in.
I don't think I've written this much on any given day in ages. Maybe I should shut up now?
What He's said in the past few hours has a lot to do with something He called me a few years ago that I apparently still don't believe, and it's going to sound completely ridiculous, but who cares anymore. He called me His 'warrior princess'. This totally blew me away, because I used to be a HUGE fan of the Xena series. I look at Xena as this strong, unwavering woman who doesn't back down for anyone. And I think "I could never be like that!"
Well...I can be. Maybe not every waking second, but I can. These past couple of days have proven as much. I can say 'no' to temptation, and with conviction...and when I do it, I'm surprised at myself, because I almost feel like growling and physically fighting.
I thought about doing something, and though I haven't decided yet, I'm going to put it out there. When Israel marched around the walls of Jericho, doing exactly what God asked them to do, He brought the walls crashing down for them. I thought, since the local mall opens early mornings for walkers, I might go out there and walk around that mall seven times. It would be a good way to focus, and to get some much needed exercise in.
I don't think I've written this much on any given day in ages. Maybe I should shut up now?