P3

[acresofhope]

I'm on my brother's laptop. The wonders of wireless. I want one of these for myself. Only thing is getting a job...which wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't terrified of everything. I wish I could channel my inner Chloe while I'm not sitting at a computer.

This post will mostly be spiritual. I will cut for that reason. If you're not a big fan of Christianity, don't read because it'll probably piss you off. You'll accuse me of being intolerant...which is pretty screwed up. Hate to tell you, but sometimes believing a certain thing is true means you have to believe other things are false. That's reality.

I feel like I'm fading into darkness again. It scares me. Wicca might seem harmless to most people, but I don't believe that. Yet I've found myself visiting magical websites, and I'm not talking Charmed here. What scares me about it is that I feel as far away from my Yeshua as I've been since my conversion. I've even started to wonder if I was ever converted in the first place. I know I was...I've been on the path for too long for it to be a fluke. When I go through a phase, it lasts a year at the most, most of the time less than that. This is not a fluke. But I seriously wonder what's going on with me. I barely leave the house anymore. I want to go to church...but then I don't. I can't explain it. It's like...I just don't want to be around those people anymore. I feel like I don't fit in. I don't feel at home there.

You know what I miss about being Wiccan? I miss the ritual. I don't mean ritual as in something you do over and over again so it loses all meaning. I mean ritual like some symbolic thing you do. I miss it. I hate to just sit and pray, mainly because I can't focus. I get so easily distracted. I just want to do something so I can focus. I want to light a candle or something while I pray. I want there to be some kind of symbolic object there or..something! I just have this fear that if I do that, I'll somehow be practicing witchcraft again. I don't want to practice the craft...I just want the ritual back, the symbolism, the expression of the light and joy and beauty I have known these past seven years. I want the Trinity, in a certain way, to be my power of three. It's not because I want power...power is really empty. I just want to believe what I believe and express what I believe without feeling like I'm somehow doing my God a great injustice. I don't want to be a witch...but I do want to be on the side of good, kicking some serious demonic ass...even though technically they're not corporeal...

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want the metaphorical magic back in my life, like it was when I first converted. No worrying about am I doing this or that just perfectly right...just Him and me, being together and lovin' it. I guess that's why I feel so isolated at church...I feel like I'm the only one there who cares about more than just getting to Heaven. Or staying out of Hell, rather. I feel like I'm the only one who really wants to know God instead of just the benefits of knowing Him. I know I'm probably being hypocritical there, because I'm sure I do plenty of wanting the benefits...like I'd like Him to cure me of whatever the crap is wrong with me...but I care about more, deep down. I just wonder if any of those other people do...and I wonder what all of them would say if I really told them how I feel about things.

Anyway...if you're still reading, thanks for listening. Feel free to disagree or tell me I'm evil or whatever. I don't really care...because I kinda am evil. And kinda not...but that's too much to get into right now.

Comments

[abitnutty.livejournal.com]

I don't know much about wicca, but I'm with you in the whole wanting to know God, not just stay out of hell thing. I've been ignoring Him lately 'cause it's always felt like He's ignoring me. I wish there was some 'evidence', I guess you could say. I've never felt Him or felt convicted, yet there's still something in me that says that there's more, that He's there. I want life to be worthwhile and beautiful because of Him, because I know Him.

Sorry, probably going off on a tangent. Just to let you know that you're not alone in the confusion and wanting more. The North American version of Christianity sucks big time.

[acresofhope.livejournal.com]

The North American version of Christianity sucks big time.

Agreed.

[superheroine.livejournal.com]

I feel like I'm the only one who really wants to know God instead of just the benefits of knowing Him. I know I'm probably being hypocritical there, because I'm sure I do plenty of wanting the benefits
That's precisely the reason why I stopped going to church. It was all about them telling you all the things you're not supposed to do, and taking your money. I never felt like I fit in @ church because it was all about "don't do this and don't do that & we need $ for this..." I wanted to go to get closer to the spiritual side of things; I didn't want to be fed a list of common sense do's and don'ts.

I don't see anything wrong with you lighting a candle while you pray. I'm not an expert on the subject, but everything I've seen about Catholicism uses candles. I think it would be nice to have a little home sanctuary where you can go to pray since you don't get to church often. It'll be like your own little personal church. :)

Oh, and I'm quite scared of everything too. I'm ALWAYS terrified I'm going to screw something up & get fired, but the truth of the matter is that everyone else is too, and if you're worried about doing everything right, that makes you a good worker. *HUGS*

[acresofhope.livejournal.com]

Yeah, having my own little worship space would be great. The thing is...when the Bible talks about "the church", it means the people. So...I guess I just need to find some people I feel comfortable with.

[superheroine.livejournal.com]

This is true, but the Bible also says somewhere not to associate yourself with people who "bring you down" and if you are uncomfortable & feel like you're not fitting in...
I dunno. The Bible can be taken differently by everyone, so I guess if you feel guilty for not going to church to be around people, then you should go. :)

[pen37.livejournal.com]

I've felt like you do in the past, and over the years I've done a lot of reading. I'm going to share with you what's true for me. Think of it like a buffet: Take what you want and leave the rest. You don't like peas? Don't take the peas.

The thing I've learned is: people are more concerned with doing things perfectly than God is. Look at all the people in the bible that God has done his works through: Peter was constantly sticking his foot in his mouth. Thomas had to have proof of everything. Jonah ran away when God called him to minister. Even after he accepted the calling, he was spiteful toward those who he was supposed to be ministering. David stole another man's wife.

God dosen't pick perfect people. It's through the struggle to become a better person (and through seeking him to help you through the struggle) that you learn and grow and become a better person. Have you ever seen someone who has never had struggles? They tend to be shallow people (Yes, Paris Hilton, I'm looking at you.)

The other thing I've learned about God: Too often people enter a relationship with God with the same attitude that they do when they get married. They expect that the euphoria they get when they first make their conversion to stay just that way for the rest of their lives.

In marriage, for everyone to stay happy and in love, they've got to work at the relationship. When you see two people who have grown apart, that are basically living togeather, with a marriage in name only, that's very sad.

Quite often, I feel like that's the relationship that Christians have with the church. They only seek out God on sunday mornings. They're chrisians in name only.

The way I see it, God wants you to persue him similar to the way a marriage partner still wants to be persued by their husband or wife like when they were dating.

I do this by reading. (funny thing about the bible, I always seem to find something in it to speak to me, no matter what my frame of mind is). Also, Christian authors are great (I would reccommend both Battlefield of the Mind and I Dare you by Joyce Meyer. Another good one is Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge.)

The other thing I would advise you: stay off the wiccan websites. In your particular case, crusing around on them would be like a dieter walking into a chocolate store. They present you with a temptation to walk away from God.

I hope this helps.

[acresofhope.livejournal.com]

You're a gem. Thanks. Personally, I've once again started When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. I keep meaning to finish the book, but never seem to.

[pen37.livejournal.com]

One thing I liked about both Captivating and Battlefield was that they both dealt with how the advesary will try to use your thoughts agaisnt you. And his favorite are thoughts of low self esteem, or self-worth. He likes to plant those thoughts in your head to make you think you don't deserve god.

I've always been the kind of person who thinks of myself, "I'm stupid," or gets down on myself for my actions, so both books really helped me in that aspect.

[acresofhope.livejournal.com]

I'll have to check those two out. I think there's a copy of Captivating at the library.

I put myself down a lot too. Gotta stop doing that.

[pen37.livejournal.com]

(((hugs)))

My thoughts are with you.

[silverlightstar.livejournal.com]

The last thing you need is to backslide (Stay away from those sites, girl!).

Normally, one questions their faith when there is a sin that is hidden (even from you) that needs to be confessed, repented and kicked to Timbuktu. If that's the case, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal whatever that sin is. That or the church you attend now isn't where God wants you to be.

I'll pray that whatever it is will be revealed. *hug*

[acresofhope.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Marie. *hug*

[silverlightstar.livejournal.com]

Not a problem. *hug*

[cindy-2004.livejournal.com]

ditto. I've been down that road a couple times, and it really scared me before. I went to a "Faerie Festival" for "Beltaine" (a fertility festival for Baal and the Queen of Heaven, if you really think of it) last year and the guy who took me basically molested me (he grabbed my breast)*gag*. It was the Lord's way of telling me to not spend time with those people. To not spend time at those places.

Please don't be mad at me...we all have different opinions, i just happen to be more "strict", i guess.

<3 ~Lee

[ex-airehen.livejournal.com]

One thing I know is that whenever you doubt your faith, it is a trick by the enemy. Either you have salvation, which in my belief cannot be taken from you or the person never really had it to begin with which is usually indicated by a lack of change in there life. In that sense, doubting faith would be real because it wasn't really there to begin with.

Also, we cannot base any part of our faith on our feelings/emotions. More often than not they can mislead us which can also make them a tool for the enemy.

I totally understand the aspect of wanting something deeper, and unfortunately that can't always be found in a church service. Sometimes it found in a small group bible study or in some weekend conference, but there are other people out there who feel the same way. Try checking out things like the Baptist Student Union or similar groups; Focus on the Family or the Passion conference stuff. They may have a link you can tap into to find an in-depth bible study group in your area. Also, I'd say any video series by Beth Moore would be really good.

If it's symbolism and ritual you're looking for, you may want to check out different Protestant denominations like Lutheran, Episcopal, or Greek Orthodox.

Hang in there sister, and remember Jeremiah 29:12-13. HUGS

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[ex-airehen.livejournal.com]

I also agree with pen37.