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acresofhopeI'm on my brother's laptop. The wonders of wireless. I want one of these for myself. Only thing is getting a job...which wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't terrified of everything. I wish I could channel my inner Chloe while I'm not sitting at a computer.
This post will mostly be spiritual. I will cut for that reason. If you're not a big fan of Christianity, don't read because it'll probably piss you off. You'll accuse me of being intolerant...which is pretty screwed up. Hate to tell you, but sometimes believing a certain thing is true means you have to believe other things are false. That's reality.
I feel like I'm fading into darkness again. It scares me. Wicca might seem harmless to most people, but I don't believe that. Yet I've found myself visiting magical websites, and I'm not talking Charmed here. What scares me about it is that I feel as far away from my Yeshua as I've been since my conversion. I've even started to wonder if I was ever converted in the first place. I know I was...I've been on the path for too long for it to be a fluke. When I go through a phase, it lasts a year at the most, most of the time less than that. This is not a fluke. But I seriously wonder what's going on with me. I barely leave the house anymore. I want to go to church...but then I don't. I can't explain it. It's like...I just don't want to be around those people anymore. I feel like I don't fit in. I don't feel at home there.
You know what I miss about being Wiccan? I miss the ritual. I don't mean ritual as in something you do over and over again so it loses all meaning. I mean ritual like some symbolic thing you do. I miss it. I hate to just sit and pray, mainly because I can't focus. I get so easily distracted. I just want to do something so I can focus. I want to light a candle or something while I pray. I want there to be some kind of symbolic object there or..something! I just have this fear that if I do that, I'll somehow be practicing witchcraft again. I don't want to practice the craft...I just want the ritual back, the symbolism, the expression of the light and joy and beauty I have known these past seven years. I want the Trinity, in a certain way, to be my power of three. It's not because I want power...power is really empty. I just want to believe what I believe and express what I believe without feeling like I'm somehow doing my God a great injustice. I don't want to be a witch...but I do want to be on the side of good, kicking some serious demonic ass...even though technically they're not corporeal...
I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want the metaphorical magic back in my life, like it was when I first converted. No worrying about am I doing this or that just perfectly right...just Him and me, being together and lovin' it. I guess that's why I feel so isolated at church...I feel like I'm the only one there who cares about more than just getting to Heaven. Or staying out of Hell, rather. I feel like I'm the only one who really wants to know God instead of just the benefits of knowing Him. I know I'm probably being hypocritical there, because I'm sure I do plenty of wanting the benefits...like I'd like Him to cure me of whatever the crap is wrong with me...but I care about more, deep down. I just wonder if any of those other people do...and I wonder what all of them would say if I really told them how I feel about things.
Anyway...if you're still reading, thanks for listening. Feel free to disagree or tell me I'm evil or whatever. I don't really care...because I kinda am evil. And kinda not...but that's too much to get into right now.
This post will mostly be spiritual. I will cut for that reason. If you're not a big fan of Christianity, don't read because it'll probably piss you off. You'll accuse me of being intolerant...which is pretty screwed up. Hate to tell you, but sometimes believing a certain thing is true means you have to believe other things are false. That's reality.
I feel like I'm fading into darkness again. It scares me. Wicca might seem harmless to most people, but I don't believe that. Yet I've found myself visiting magical websites, and I'm not talking Charmed here. What scares me about it is that I feel as far away from my Yeshua as I've been since my conversion. I've even started to wonder if I was ever converted in the first place. I know I was...I've been on the path for too long for it to be a fluke. When I go through a phase, it lasts a year at the most, most of the time less than that. This is not a fluke. But I seriously wonder what's going on with me. I barely leave the house anymore. I want to go to church...but then I don't. I can't explain it. It's like...I just don't want to be around those people anymore. I feel like I don't fit in. I don't feel at home there.
You know what I miss about being Wiccan? I miss the ritual. I don't mean ritual as in something you do over and over again so it loses all meaning. I mean ritual like some symbolic thing you do. I miss it. I hate to just sit and pray, mainly because I can't focus. I get so easily distracted. I just want to do something so I can focus. I want to light a candle or something while I pray. I want there to be some kind of symbolic object there or..something! I just have this fear that if I do that, I'll somehow be practicing witchcraft again. I don't want to practice the craft...I just want the ritual back, the symbolism, the expression of the light and joy and beauty I have known these past seven years. I want the Trinity, in a certain way, to be my power of three. It's not because I want power...power is really empty. I just want to believe what I believe and express what I believe without feeling like I'm somehow doing my God a great injustice. I don't want to be a witch...but I do want to be on the side of good, kicking some serious demonic ass...even though technically they're not corporeal...
I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want the metaphorical magic back in my life, like it was when I first converted. No worrying about am I doing this or that just perfectly right...just Him and me, being together and lovin' it. I guess that's why I feel so isolated at church...I feel like I'm the only one there who cares about more than just getting to Heaven. Or staying out of Hell, rather. I feel like I'm the only one who really wants to know God instead of just the benefits of knowing Him. I know I'm probably being hypocritical there, because I'm sure I do plenty of wanting the benefits...like I'd like Him to cure me of whatever the crap is wrong with me...but I care about more, deep down. I just wonder if any of those other people do...and I wonder what all of them would say if I really told them how I feel about things.
Anyway...if you're still reading, thanks for listening. Feel free to disagree or tell me I'm evil or whatever. I don't really care...because I kinda am evil. And kinda not...but that's too much to get into right now.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 08:45 pm (UTC)Sorry, probably going off on a tangent. Just to let you know that you're not alone in the confusion and wanting more. The North American version of Christianity sucks big time.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 11:28 pm (UTC)Agreed.