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acresofhopeI'm on my brother's laptop. The wonders of wireless. I want one of these for myself. Only thing is getting a job...which wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't terrified of everything. I wish I could channel my inner Chloe while I'm not sitting at a computer.
This post will mostly be spiritual. I will cut for that reason. If you're not a big fan of Christianity, don't read because it'll probably piss you off. You'll accuse me of being intolerant...which is pretty screwed up. Hate to tell you, but sometimes believing a certain thing is true means you have to believe other things are false. That's reality.
I feel like I'm fading into darkness again. It scares me. Wicca might seem harmless to most people, but I don't believe that. Yet I've found myself visiting magical websites, and I'm not talking Charmed here. What scares me about it is that I feel as far away from my Yeshua as I've been since my conversion. I've even started to wonder if I was ever converted in the first place. I know I was...I've been on the path for too long for it to be a fluke. When I go through a phase, it lasts a year at the most, most of the time less than that. This is not a fluke. But I seriously wonder what's going on with me. I barely leave the house anymore. I want to go to church...but then I don't. I can't explain it. It's like...I just don't want to be around those people anymore. I feel like I don't fit in. I don't feel at home there.
You know what I miss about being Wiccan? I miss the ritual. I don't mean ritual as in something you do over and over again so it loses all meaning. I mean ritual like some symbolic thing you do. I miss it. I hate to just sit and pray, mainly because I can't focus. I get so easily distracted. I just want to do something so I can focus. I want to light a candle or something while I pray. I want there to be some kind of symbolic object there or..something! I just have this fear that if I do that, I'll somehow be practicing witchcraft again. I don't want to practice the craft...I just want the ritual back, the symbolism, the expression of the light and joy and beauty I have known these past seven years. I want the Trinity, in a certain way, to be my power of three. It's not because I want power...power is really empty. I just want to believe what I believe and express what I believe without feeling like I'm somehow doing my God a great injustice. I don't want to be a witch...but I do want to be on the side of good, kicking some serious demonic ass...even though technically they're not corporeal...
I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want the metaphorical magic back in my life, like it was when I first converted. No worrying about am I doing this or that just perfectly right...just Him and me, being together and lovin' it. I guess that's why I feel so isolated at church...I feel like I'm the only one there who cares about more than just getting to Heaven. Or staying out of Hell, rather. I feel like I'm the only one who really wants to know God instead of just the benefits of knowing Him. I know I'm probably being hypocritical there, because I'm sure I do plenty of wanting the benefits...like I'd like Him to cure me of whatever the crap is wrong with me...but I care about more, deep down. I just wonder if any of those other people do...and I wonder what all of them would say if I really told them how I feel about things.
Anyway...if you're still reading, thanks for listening. Feel free to disagree or tell me I'm evil or whatever. I don't really care...because I kinda am evil. And kinda not...but that's too much to get into right now.
This post will mostly be spiritual. I will cut for that reason. If you're not a big fan of Christianity, don't read because it'll probably piss you off. You'll accuse me of being intolerant...which is pretty screwed up. Hate to tell you, but sometimes believing a certain thing is true means you have to believe other things are false. That's reality.
I feel like I'm fading into darkness again. It scares me. Wicca might seem harmless to most people, but I don't believe that. Yet I've found myself visiting magical websites, and I'm not talking Charmed here. What scares me about it is that I feel as far away from my Yeshua as I've been since my conversion. I've even started to wonder if I was ever converted in the first place. I know I was...I've been on the path for too long for it to be a fluke. When I go through a phase, it lasts a year at the most, most of the time less than that. This is not a fluke. But I seriously wonder what's going on with me. I barely leave the house anymore. I want to go to church...but then I don't. I can't explain it. It's like...I just don't want to be around those people anymore. I feel like I don't fit in. I don't feel at home there.
You know what I miss about being Wiccan? I miss the ritual. I don't mean ritual as in something you do over and over again so it loses all meaning. I mean ritual like some symbolic thing you do. I miss it. I hate to just sit and pray, mainly because I can't focus. I get so easily distracted. I just want to do something so I can focus. I want to light a candle or something while I pray. I want there to be some kind of symbolic object there or..something! I just have this fear that if I do that, I'll somehow be practicing witchcraft again. I don't want to practice the craft...I just want the ritual back, the symbolism, the expression of the light and joy and beauty I have known these past seven years. I want the Trinity, in a certain way, to be my power of three. It's not because I want power...power is really empty. I just want to believe what I believe and express what I believe without feeling like I'm somehow doing my God a great injustice. I don't want to be a witch...but I do want to be on the side of good, kicking some serious demonic ass...even though technically they're not corporeal...
I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want the metaphorical magic back in my life, like it was when I first converted. No worrying about am I doing this or that just perfectly right...just Him and me, being together and lovin' it. I guess that's why I feel so isolated at church...I feel like I'm the only one there who cares about more than just getting to Heaven. Or staying out of Hell, rather. I feel like I'm the only one who really wants to know God instead of just the benefits of knowing Him. I know I'm probably being hypocritical there, because I'm sure I do plenty of wanting the benefits...like I'd like Him to cure me of whatever the crap is wrong with me...but I care about more, deep down. I just wonder if any of those other people do...and I wonder what all of them would say if I really told them how I feel about things.
Anyway...if you're still reading, thanks for listening. Feel free to disagree or tell me I'm evil or whatever. I don't really care...because I kinda am evil. And kinda not...but that's too much to get into right now.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 11:34 pm (UTC)I've always been the kind of person who thinks of myself, "I'm stupid," or gets down on myself for my actions, so both books really helped me in that aspect.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 11:40 pm (UTC)I put myself down a lot too. Gotta stop doing that.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 11:44 pm (UTC)My thoughts are with you.