The Wild

[acresofhope]

"Eat friends and be God, don't eat friends...God, friends, God, friends..." - Nigel, Disney's The Wild, weighing his choices

Every time I think I understand life and faith and God, somebody says something or something happens...and it turns out I don't. In fact, right now, my way of thinking about those things is changing drastically. Actually, I'm starting to think that some of the things I understood almost instinctively at my conversion has been taught out of me by the church. I say that because I'm learning it again now and saying, "DUDE, I KNOW THIS!"

I'm a controversial person, always have been, probably always will be. I was controversial in high school when I came out of the closet or brought my spell book to school, I was controversial when I left all that behind to follow Jesus, and even now I'm controversial when I look around the churches of Spartanburg, South Carolina and say "there's something wrong here". I don't know why God gave me such a weird life, but here I am.

I'm now at the point that I'm an outcast almost everywhere I go, and I'm scared. I feel stupid for being scared. I'm scared if I tell one of the most precious people to me that I believe she is lost without Jesus that she will hate me forever. I'm scared if I tell some of the people I know that I don't think there belief in Jesus is the kind of belief that justifies that they will hate me forever. I'm afraid that I suck so much at explaining what I believe to people that it doesn't make sense and therefore will never know the most amazing and absolutely glorious Person that has ever or will ever exist. I'm afraid of becoming a hypocrite, or that my slip-ups will turn people away. And they're all such stupid fears! Do I really care that much about what people think? Do I have such little faith in God?

I deserve to go to hell. Really, I do. I mean, what is Heaven but the eternal state of glorifying/loving/enjoying God? And I don't even do that. I mean, look at me! I care more about having friends than I care about communing with the Creator of the Universe. What as more value than Him? What is more beautiful? My near apathy for Him is infinitely more horrific than torching every musical and artistic masterpiece in the history of the world. Or blowing up your sportscar, if you're into that. Writing the most horrible fanfiction with the stupidest pairings, filled with spelling errors? Spiting on Tom Cruise? However you want to say it, point is, I suck at life.

Look guys, some of you know this, but you don't deserve hell because you stole some cash, cheated on your taxes, killed your neighbor's cat, or had sex with that hot chick you met at the coffeehouse (even if you're a hot chick too). You deserve hell for the reason I deserve hell: because God is the most valuable, most beautiful, most wonderful Person and deserves to be loved and obeyed, but we...we do worse than hate Him. We really just don't care.

Now before all the Christians go off on me, I'm talking about human nature here. I know you care about God. I care about God, too. I just don't care about Him enough, that's all. Neither do you. If we did, maybe we'd actually read the Bible and understand what God is really saying. God has a wonderful plan for your life, but what do you want? The plan or God? Is the plan really worth anything without Him?

I've gone on really randomly because I'm really trying to grasp for words here. Even my trampoline metaphor for faith falls through, because Jesus isn't even in it and He's the point. I'm trying to find a way to explain my faith and present the Gospel without it turning into a sales pitch for Heaven/"the good life" or some fluffy, sentimental bullshit that makes people feel good about themselves. I want to be real and I want to be fearless about it. Boy, that's gonna take a miracle. Least I know He's good at those.

Comments

[closemyeyes----.livejournal.com]

Wow, The part that you were talking about trying to tell you friend about the Lord and your afraid of it basically blowing up in your face. Also that if you tell them they may not like you anymore? Well that is what I feel about about Hannah, the girl that I'm growing apart from. I'm scard that if I even talk about Him she whould say it's stuip or something. Then get in this huge fight over something I believe in that she doesn't want to listen to. I also totally agree with you about we deserve hell. I think really most christans talk Jesus for granted sometimes. Really it is hard to make a choice like friends or God. Me I really know my choice. I know I would choose God but, I don't know how long it would take me to say I choose God. I don't know if I would say it right after someone were to ask or if it would take it a while. I don't know about you, your friends who are christans, or anyone else I may have forgotten I try to read my Bible almost everyday and, I try to understand. I'm not saying that you or your friends don't try to understand the Bible. It really is hard to understand sometimes. What I think from reading what you wrote your still on the right path. You just on a little bump that is trying to hold you back from where you are going to be. I beleive that God does have a plan for you and, I also beleive that he is going to make that mirical that you want come true. Just keep believeing and I know that something great is going to happen soon.