The Wild

[acresofhope]

"Eat friends and be God, don't eat friends...God, friends, God, friends..." - Nigel, Disney's The Wild, weighing his choices

Every time I think I understand life and faith and God, somebody says something or something happens...and it turns out I don't. In fact, right now, my way of thinking about those things is changing drastically. Actually, I'm starting to think that some of the things I understood almost instinctively at my conversion has been taught out of me by the church. I say that because I'm learning it again now and saying, "DUDE, I KNOW THIS!"

I'm a controversial person, always have been, probably always will be. I was controversial in high school when I came out of the closet or brought my spell book to school, I was controversial when I left all that behind to follow Jesus, and even now I'm controversial when I look around the churches of Spartanburg, South Carolina and say "there's something wrong here". I don't know why God gave me such a weird life, but here I am.

I'm now at the point that I'm an outcast almost everywhere I go, and I'm scared. I feel stupid for being scared. I'm scared if I tell one of the most precious people to me that I believe she is lost without Jesus that she will hate me forever. I'm scared if I tell some of the people I know that I don't think there belief in Jesus is the kind of belief that justifies that they will hate me forever. I'm afraid that I suck so much at explaining what I believe to people that it doesn't make sense and therefore will never know the most amazing and absolutely glorious Person that has ever or will ever exist. I'm afraid of becoming a hypocrite, or that my slip-ups will turn people away. And they're all such stupid fears! Do I really care that much about what people think? Do I have such little faith in God?

I deserve to go to hell. Really, I do. I mean, what is Heaven but the eternal state of glorifying/loving/enjoying God? And I don't even do that. I mean, look at me! I care more about having friends than I care about communing with the Creator of the Universe. What as more value than Him? What is more beautiful? My near apathy for Him is infinitely more horrific than torching every musical and artistic masterpiece in the history of the world. Or blowing up your sportscar, if you're into that. Writing the most horrible fanfiction with the stupidest pairings, filled with spelling errors? Spiting on Tom Cruise? However you want to say it, point is, I suck at life.

Look guys, some of you know this, but you don't deserve hell because you stole some cash, cheated on your taxes, killed your neighbor's cat, or had sex with that hot chick you met at the coffeehouse (even if you're a hot chick too). You deserve hell for the reason I deserve hell: because God is the most valuable, most beautiful, most wonderful Person and deserves to be loved and obeyed, but we...we do worse than hate Him. We really just don't care.

Now before all the Christians go off on me, I'm talking about human nature here. I know you care about God. I care about God, too. I just don't care about Him enough, that's all. Neither do you. If we did, maybe we'd actually read the Bible and understand what God is really saying. God has a wonderful plan for your life, but what do you want? The plan or God? Is the plan really worth anything without Him?

I've gone on really randomly because I'm really trying to grasp for words here. Even my trampoline metaphor for faith falls through, because Jesus isn't even in it and He's the point. I'm trying to find a way to explain my faith and present the Gospel without it turning into a sales pitch for Heaven/"the good life" or some fluffy, sentimental bullshit that makes people feel good about themselves. I want to be real and I want to be fearless about it. Boy, that's gonna take a miracle. Least I know He's good at those.

Comments

[closemyeyes----.livejournal.com]

Wow, The part that you were talking about trying to tell you friend about the Lord and your afraid of it basically blowing up in your face. Also that if you tell them they may not like you anymore? Well that is what I feel about about Hannah, the girl that I'm growing apart from. I'm scard that if I even talk about Him she whould say it's stuip or something. Then get in this huge fight over something I believe in that she doesn't want to listen to. I also totally agree with you about we deserve hell. I think really most christans talk Jesus for granted sometimes. Really it is hard to make a choice like friends or God. Me I really know my choice. I know I would choose God but, I don't know how long it would take me to say I choose God. I don't know if I would say it right after someone were to ask or if it would take it a while. I don't know about you, your friends who are christans, or anyone else I may have forgotten I try to read my Bible almost everyday and, I try to understand. I'm not saying that you or your friends don't try to understand the Bible. It really is hard to understand sometimes. What I think from reading what you wrote your still on the right path. You just on a little bump that is trying to hold you back from where you are going to be. I beleive that God does have a plan for you and, I also beleive that he is going to make that mirical that you want come true. Just keep believeing and I know that something great is going to happen soon.

[silverlightstar.livejournal.com]

I'll put it this way:
The world hates us because it hated Christ. The demons under our adversary rejoiced when He was crucified. The world rejoiced with them.

We will have those stupid fears because we're human; that's when we need to rely on the Lord more and more! My friend, don't worry about what people say; many a time, they say it in complete ignorance of the faith. They only stout their opinion, even if it flies in the face of Christianity. What matters most is God and His mercy on us!

We are only the messengers of the Word; it's the Holy Spirit that opens ears and hearts to that Word.

*hug*

gerrrrrl! don't get me started. lol jk

[spirited001.livejournal.com]

Girl girl girl, I really feel what you are saying here.

I have three comments I feel like talking about ... I hope they don't get too long. XD Not lectures, just things I felt like sharing.

1)You might not think so at all, you might think you are far from it. (please don't let this get to your head though) But I think you are so cool! To see how far you have came from your past and to see where you are heading is a beautiful miracle already.
But what I find the coolest though is your heart. You have the kind of heart God loves. Its the kind we all should have.
Have you ever heard of King David? and how he was supposedly a "man after God's own heart." Most people (mostly those who haven't read that part of the bible)hear that saying and totally misunderstand who David was. He think he was this perfect king, when in actual he did some horrible things.
I love Psalm 51.
towards the end, it says "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." A heart after God is one that feels guilt instantly when you do something wrong, it sickens you, disguist of yourself, you feel so unworthy of God's love and forgiveness. God see the heart. And if you haven't noticed before, those people the type of people he uses to do his miracles through, the meek and the lowly and all the ones who you'd never expect.

2) Sadly too. When you look through out the bible, the next pattern was that to be in the right also meant being in the small minority. And outcast. Even among your own people. In Ezekiel, God's own people were confused and lost in the ways of the world, worshiping Baal (maybe because it was the in thing. XD) and Ezekiel was one out of them all who saw the truth. Church can be no different sometimes. I know personally. The best thing to know exactly for sure, and keep on the right path is to read the bible for yourself, know his words personally. Don't rely on someone else to tell you, because you'll only get a small piece, and sometimes its twisted with politics. Don't be spoon feed milk, its sounds like you've grown enough spiritually to eat meat and to eat it on your own. Thats what I've been doing, and I'm learn and understanding a lot more.

comment -continued

[spirited001.livejournal.com]

3) Your sistuation with your friends. I know exactly how it is. Because I've wanted so bad to just come right out tell all my friends about Jesus. And it makes me sad that, they act like they would much rather be in the darkness, and stay in the suffering. But really you never know exactly what will happen until you try.
In your above statement it sounds like you separated the two things. Love God OR love your friends. But honestly I see the two things as working out the same.
One way I started looking at it to help me try is. That if I am truly a friend to them, I'd tell them no matter what. I'd tell them BECAUSE I care. If I saw my dear friend walking towards a cliff and she can't see that cliff because its dark but I can because I have a flashlight. Or any other type of danger you can think of. I'd for sure without a hesistation warn my friend of that danger! In fact, I'd want to grab her by the arm and drag her back with me to safety, regradless of her kicking and screaming. At that point in time, I wouldn't even care if she claimed to hate me for it. All that would matter to me is that she wouldn't get hurt. That is just a physical example, but spiritually it is the same thing. I have to think, and tell myself, if I love my friend, and if she means that much to me, why should I keep something that is good for him or her away? Don't they at least deserve a chance to hear it? Even if it will make them mad. What is good for us don't always come sugar coated. Sadly, we can't just drag them with us to safety spiritually. XP
Its not a easy thing though. Its 10x more easier for me to go up to a total stranger and tell them about Christ's sacrafise for them, than to tell my own friend, which seriously is a crying shame but it is quite a common issue. A lot of people have this problem.
The way I do it is. I take baby steps. XD We'll be normal and be friends and talk about stuff. And I'll just work God in here and there when the time is right. Its so simple and dumb but it works, it gets them used to you mentioning God all the time. I'll say man thank God! this happened I'm so happy! or if things are sad I'll be like man, that why I'm so happy I have Jesus cause blah blah. Just say little comments like that. Glorify Him all the time. He will strengthen you. I found that this really REALLY started working for me. And one day we just started talking about God. And I talked about my experiences and my faith. I didn't say anything in a force way, and I just said it as this is how it is for me. But be totally real, like you are right now. The important thing is that they will be listening. And in that moment a seed will be planted.
And also, pray pray pray pray all the time for them. THAT is a MUST!

OMG, yeah I made this another journal entry. XD sorry. but thats me. I hope it helpped a little.

Don't be afraid of getting your friends angry. Thats something that sometimes can't be avoided. Friends will fight over the stupidest things sometimes. SO STUPID! XD But what happens? They get over it. and At least you know this time it wasn't over anything stupid and it wasn't over anything you did wrong. It was over life and death. And we all just want our friends to choose life and live.

[ex-airehen.livejournal.com]

Hiya, I know what it's like to wonder at the kind of life you have to deal with...to wonder why God seems to test you so much or rather why He "trusts" you so much to endure these trials. Hang in there and stay faithful.

You must be doing something right or else "the enemy" wouldn't be bugging you so much.

I'm sorry that you feel like an outcast. I know all too well what it's like to be lonely, to seem to have friends in one way, but not in the way you need most.

I would encourage you to keep searching. Look for a bible study group or an outreach church or someplace that you can plug into; where there's a group of people who share similar beliefs with you and can encourage you.

I still think, the fact that you're discussing this so well means that you actuall have a good hold on things (perspective). Don't be so hard on yourself.

When you feel like you're on the edge it seems easier to see all the bad things or all the ways that don't measure up, but don't Dwell there. Balance things out (Philipians 4:8). :)

((HUGS)) Hope you have a good/better week.