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Oct. 9th, 2005 03:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
acresofhopeHaving trouble sleeping, so I thought I'd write.
God is teaching me so much right now. I've found that just because I should be Christ-centered and not self-centered doesn't mean I have an excuse for self-hatred. I'm slowly but surely learning that I'm as free from sin as I really want to be. I'm learning I'm afraid of freedom. That sounds strange, but I am. It's because I'm so comfortable in self-hatred and the need to please people (men especially) that it's normal for me, and leaving that comfort zone is scary. But I have to leave. I can't stay where I am and go with God. That and the center of God's will is the safest place to be. Of course, it doesn't feel safe, and I doubt it ever will this side of Heaven...but emotions aren't rational. Even if the fear never goes away, I can't let it control me. I won't. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:14)
God is teaching me so much right now. I've found that just because I should be Christ-centered and not self-centered doesn't mean I have an excuse for self-hatred. I'm slowly but surely learning that I'm as free from sin as I really want to be. I'm learning I'm afraid of freedom. That sounds strange, but I am. It's because I'm so comfortable in self-hatred and the need to please people (men especially) that it's normal for me, and leaving that comfort zone is scary. But I have to leave. I can't stay where I am and go with God. That and the center of God's will is the safest place to be. Of course, it doesn't feel safe, and I doubt it ever will this side of Heaven...but emotions aren't rational. Even if the fear never goes away, I can't let it control me. I won't. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:14)
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Date: 2005-10-09 06:16 pm (UTC)