sorry

I have been very emo over the past month, give or take, and for that, I apologize. If I have offended anyone, I apologize. There's even a part of me that would apologize for being me, or at least the natural me. I want to be the spiritual me always, but that will not happen in this life. I press forward toward that, to get as close to it as I can, but it won't happen. One day, the natural and the spiritual won't be so separate, and to that I say "come quickly, Lord."

And now, some Psalms. Tootles.

( Psalm 103 )

( Pslam 104 )

( Psalm 105 )

Oh what a wretch I am...

I have just started reading When I Don't Desire God by John Piper, thanks to the free resources of the Desiring God website. It's a very important thing for me to do at the moment, because though God is someone I desire, there are so many things I desire more.

I desire comfort more than God.
I desire friends more than God.
I desire entertainment more than God.
I desire rest/sleep more than God.
I desire sexual pleasure more than God.

The last one was hardest to type, simply because I'd like to say I'm done with the things of my past. Recent events have totally opened my eyes. I look at my reflection, staring at the ugly thing of a woman I see before me and think to myself, "I thought I got rid of her." But here she is, back from the dead. Maybe I should contact zombiekillers.

And I want to smack myself for making a joke about something so serious.

I remember talking about this with the student minister of my church. I think it was before I was even a Christian. I told him about how there were loads of things I wanted to stop doing, but there was some part of me that still wanted to do them. I talked about how much I hated this war that was always going on inside of me. He told me it'll always be like this as long as this life lasts, and he's absolutely right.

It's depressing for me, because I want it all to stop. Sin can be so subtle at times and fighting against it is hard work. I just want to stop hurting people, stop hurting myself, stop hurting God. I just want it to stop.

In the opening chapter of Piper's book, he talks about something he calls "Christian hedonism". His shortest summary of it is this: God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. The goal of a Christian hedonist is to joy in Christ above all else.

I'm not sure if I understand all of this correctly, so I'll stop at that. What I will say, though, is that my one wish is to desire God above everything else, because in the end, only He is worth treasuring. Everything else is meaningless, and anything that has meaning only has meaning because of Him. Family, friends, whoever I end up marrying, any kids I might have...it's all meaningless if He's not in the center of everything.

All of this, though, is humanly impossible. God will have to perform some sort of miracle in me if I'm ever to even get my feet off the ground. I don't understand it how all that works, how I'm deciding but He's going to do it for me...but I'm praying and trusting He'll take care of it all. Even if I knew and understood, I couldn't do it.

Don't ever be comfortable with where you are with God, live off past experiences or think you have "arrived". It's just not good for you. If you're not moving forward with Him, you'll just end up sliding backward (which I guess is where the term "backsliding" comes from). Sure, if you fall in a hole, God can get you out of it, but don't ever think there aren't consequences.

Praise be to God that there is still hope for me.

(cross-posted in no_compromise, christianbook and armyofchrist)