some Psalms

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Psalm 102:1-17

Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.
My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food.
Because of my loud groaning
I am reduced to skin and bones.
I am like a desert owl,
like an owl among the ruins.
I lie awake; I have become
like a bird alone on a roof.
All day long my enemies taunt me;
those who rail against me us my name as a curse.
For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears
because of your great wrath,
for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.
My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.

But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever;
your renown endures through all generations.
You will arise and have compassion on Zion,
for it is time to show favor to her;
the appointed time has come.
For her stones are dear to your servants;
her very dust moves them to pity.
The nations will fear the name of the LORD,
all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.
For the LORD will rebuild Zion
and appear in his glory.
He will respond to the prayer of the destitute;
he will not despise their plea.

thoughts on life as it is in this moment

I don't understand life right now. Apparently, I have lied, though I don't remember lying. I am told I did this to put my best foot forward, when I actually made myself very vulnerable. I do not make nor take light the wrongs I did commit, but I am very confused right now. If there was any deception on my part at all, I can only say it was unintentional. After all, it's natural for people to make themselves out to be better than they are. Heck, I'm probably doing it right now. But hey, newsflash, I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to be until I'm rid of this stupid sinful body, and I can't tell you when that'll be.

I question why I even want to be reconciled to them. They've made it obvious to me they no longer want to be my friends, excepting maybe one, but after all that has happened, I have trouble trusting anything but God Himself. Maybe it's just the grace of God. Though I still have my troubles, He has certainly changed me more than I could have ever thought possible. I remember a time when I would just turn up my nose and say "screw them" in worse terms, but...it's like I can't this time. And I do mean can't, because part of me, I guess my flesh, wants to do exactly that. But...I don't know...I just...can't! These are my siblings in Christ, and I just can't turn my back. Get really freakin' pissed at them, maybe, but not turn my back.

I don't know what else to say. I have this funny feeling one of the people involved in the whole situation is reading this, even if they don't have me on their list. No matter what anyone believes, I'll keep writing these things because they are true, I know and God knows. Sometimes what I write here is just emotional, and not at all a reflection of what is really going on in my heart, but most of those are filtered, simply because I understand those could be misinterpreted.

Regardless, everything I write here comes from me. It's not a front. It's what's really going on inside me. This pain? It's real. My insomnia? It's real. Forgetting to eat? Real. I forget to eat! Anyone who knows me knows how much I enjoy food! And this is just some story?! Nope, sorry, it's real, if you want to believe it or not.

I have kept the most recent to leave on my list, and added one back. The other two I can't add, because after praying about it, I realize I'm not ready to add them again. It still hurts too much.

I guess now that I'm done with that, I should give some kind of explanation for my icon, before someone yells at me. Just go to DesiringGod.org and there should be a link somewhere on the very first page.

Well, I'm out.