Oct. 16th, 2006

acresofhope: (heartbeat racing)
I feel really funny right now. I don't understand it. It feels...I don't know...romantic? But it's not really connected to anyone.

I know that's really random. I just...I don't know. Felt like getting it out, I guess.
acresofhope: (Psalm 144:1)
Today's Desiring God broadcast just...it just helps. Just because I don't have it all together doesn't mean I'm fake. Just because I still sin and I'm still deceived sometimes doesn't mean there's not hope for me. There is hope, and I'm grabbing hold. I'll press on toward perfection, but I won't sink into depression just because I'm not there. If I do that, I never will be any better than I am now.

The Christian life is so crazy. It's full of things that shouldn't make sense but do, and things we want to make sense of but can't. You hear all this talk about how wonderful Jesus is, and how following after Him is the most fulfilling life you can have, and all of that is true. But it's also so hard. Not that I expected it to be a bed of roses, but I expected it to get easier as time went on, and in ways, it has. Overall, though, it's gotten harder.

All the time I hear things about you're supposed to feel a peace when there's something God wants you to do, and in a way, that's true. That happened a lot when I started out. As I go along, though, I find God wanting me more and more often to do something that makes me uncomfortable. Like speak in front of large groups of people, or more recently, get a job. I'm comfortable talking in front of people now, the majority of the time, as long as it's about Jesus. The peace didn't come until after I starting doing the thing He wanted. Before then, I was scared out of my wits. I am now, in fact, about the job thing. There are phone calls that need to be made, applications that need to be filled out. Scared silly! I'll get through, though.

It's not just this "testing" that gets more intense. The temptation gets more intense, too. I don't think it's ever been so difficult to fight against it than it is now. If I try to do anything worthwhile and say "this will be for God", there is always some sort of temptation or opposition that comes after me or the people involved.

Take the recent situation, for instance. I know most of you don't know the details, nor will you ever. My friends and I were connected to something in which we saw God at work. Therefore, we decided to dedicate this thing to God. That was the summer, this is now. I am no longer a part of said thing, nor am I welcome to ever be again, due to my sin. The only friend I retained from this situation is the one I had going in, and I fear the ones I call brothers and sisters are being lured into sin completely different from my own.

Now I strive for balance, because I believe the Scriptures teach balance (see Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 7:18). I'm not one of those people who think all of hell is out to get me, but to ignore the reality of the war in the spiritual realm is folly. There is a war, because I've taken to fighting it. The moment I put it out of mind, I became vulnerable to attack, and guess what? I'm paying for it. Don't tell me to forgive myself. I have. It doesn't change anything. Doesn't mean I can't learn from it, and I have.

Is that going to bring my friends back to me? No. Is it going to stop any of them from looking down on me (though I don't think all of them do)? No. I'm powerless to change what's happened. But sometimes, it's good to be powerless. God knew this would happen, long before He ever created me. He has a plan for this, a plan that I'm powerless to mess up. And that makes me happy.

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acresofhope

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